Last week Tyler and Kalyn broke their sibling bond to give hooking-up a try. By Sunday night they’d settled into an awkward relationship quite nicely, Ty becoming totally detached and Kalyn dragging him into a passive aggressive test of commitment that could have been avoided by peeing on a stick.
In fact, almost all of episode 8 could have been bypassed with just a little of Kalyn’s urine, some duct tape for her mouth, and a sturdy pair of tweezers for Hannah’s eyebrows.
Episode 8 of Style Network’s Big Rich Texas begins with Leslie telling us she needs to do some damage control with the Fashionistas after last week’s scene at the country club when the borderline incest thing between Kalyn and Ty came out. So Les meets LeeAnne Locken for drinks and tries to gauge whether or not Heidi Dillon is going to thump her off Dallas’ social ladder.
The whole thing has a 7th grade cafeteria vibe.
Even though Locken acknowledges that she’s heard the story, she displays a full spectrum of emotions from shock to confusion as if she’s just getting the scoop for the first time. And in a way, she is, because she doesn’t seem to understand.
LeeAnne: Your son and your goddaughter, they’re related, right?
Leslie: No, she’s not related at all, she’s my goddaughter.
But enough about your kids engaging in a sexual relationship, Les. How does this impact your social standing?
Leslie: I was worried about Heidi, like, what is she going to think of me?
LeeAnne: If something went crazy like that at any Fashionista event, Heidi would shut down the Fashionistas.
Locken, seriously, throw her a bone. Is she in or out?
LeeAnne: As long as you stay above it all and deliver to the Fashionistas, Heidi is not going to have a problem with you.
Leslie is relieved and remains focused on settling the score with Duarte, “For me to get on the board, I still need to get in with Heidi.”
And here’s your big chance, Les.
LeeAnne tells Leslie about Heidi’s monthly Fashionista trunk shows and explains, “You have to be invited even though you’re a Fashionista member, it’s an exclusive invitation, she’s [Heidi] very particular about who comes in to her home.” LeeAnne tells Les she’ll get her on the list. Leslie is so happy she’ll agree to anything, “I will behave, I promise.”
Meanwhile, back at Leslie’s apartment, Kalyn greets her blind date, Chad, at the door hoping Tyler will beat him up and, over Chad’s bruised body, beg Kalyn to marry him. Instead, Ty shows little interest and viewers split into this week’s teams.
Team 1: Go, Tyler!
Team 2: Shut up, Kalyn.
Then the team captains agreed that everyone was working for the same goal and joined forces, singing Kumbaya during commercial breaks.
The date is super awk with forced conversation. At least it seemed that way to viewers but who knows, we were distracted by the fallout from Kalyn’s outfit. By “fallout” I mean her boobs and by “outfit” I mean a totally sheer hooker-red blouse, unbuttoned so that if you missed seeing through the fabric, her whole bra and its contents were available for viewing.
Chad tells a little about himself, he’s in marketing yada, yada, yada. So then Kalyn takes a turn and instead of telling him about her job making cupcakes, she gives a full-on explanation of her relationship with Tyler.
Chad makes it clear, “I don’t want to be a placeholder until Tyler cuts the umbilical cord.”
Chad, dude, she said Ty is her god-brother, not her son, and besides this is a first date and you’ve officially out-weirded Kalyn which is no easy task.
Back in Plano, Pam invites Hannah to help her launch a perfume line. Duarte explains to viewers how this fragrance venture is practically charity for unfortunate people who want to smell like they’ve had her same life experiences.
Pam: I’ve been all over the world and I’ve experienced different essential oils and if I can bottle it up, people will really enjoy it.
I’m anxious to see how she bottles the essence of a kid from Bonham turned suburban middle-class social climber trying to rewrite her past and appear to society as an aristocrat. I mean, seriously, what does that smell like? It can’t be good.
Maybe if she adds some lavender?
Cut to Nick & Sam’s where Dillon has gathered a group of people so she can pass judgment on them and decide whether or not they’ll go on to the next round of life as they know it. She reminds them that the monthly trunk show is coming up and that she’s selected the clothing line, “It’s this incredible store in Carrollton called Vintage Martini.”
Connie is pretty upset, “I can’t believe Heidi just planned a trunk show with one of my competitors.” Dillon senses Conn’s despair and moves in for the kill, “My Fashionistas, they all shop at Vintage Martini.”
Pam uses the uncomfortable pause as an opp to make the announcement about her big upcoming fragrance project.
Locken: What’s it going to smell like?
Duarte: It’s going to be a really exclusive, beautiful perfume.
Connie: So are you going floral, musky?
Pam explains that she isn’t in the creative business; she’s in the copy-cat biz.
Pam: I’ve got this fragrance that I wear anyway that I don’t want to share the name of, um, right now and I’m thinking I want to do something similar to that because everywhere I go people are like ‘oh my God it smells so good’ so I thought, why not make one.
Great idea, Duarte, you can sell it on Canal Street.
Pam suggests the Fashionistas throw her a launch party. Duarte, I’d come up with a formula, a name, and packaging etc. before you order an ice sculpture for your product unveiling. But that’s me.
Pamela excuses herself for a super important meeting, which means the floor is now open for anyone wanting to trash her.
Connie: Pam’s just trying to promote a lot of her things with y’all so fast. You just need to be careful. You don’t know what it smells like, you don’t know what it looks like.
Heidi: I trust Pam. But I don’t like the idea of being used.
LeeAnne: Heidi really, I mean, she’s got her book to promote now she’s telling about a perfume, what’s next, a clothing line?
Locken, thanks a lot, you just sent viewers into full-blown panic. Have you seen Pam’s wardrobe?
Next up, Bonnie wants more cosmetic procedures. Dr. A over at Skintastic is reluctant. She begs him for a new nose and anti-aging injections
Dr. A: You don’t want to look like an ice princess, do you?
Bonnie: I like ice princesses.
So he agrees.
And since Bon has negotiated with a terrorist and agreed to buy implants for Whitney in exchange for love (and prior to having any more work done on herself) she fears Whit’s wrath. So she decides to keep her plans secret.
Bonnie, sweetheart, remember, you got Whitney a job with Dr. A. She still works there.
Next, Pam meets Heidi at Vintage Martini. In Carrollton. Because apparently that’s where Dallas socialites shop for second-hand clothing nowadays. Heidi tells Pamela, “These stores are great because it’s like treasure hunting.”
I say it’s more like going to a garage sale.
What, Heidi? OMG, you’re not. You are.
Heidi: Connie told me you were using the Fashionistas to further your agenda for things that you want to do including your perfume.
Pam: There’s not one ounce of truth to that.
Heidi: I don’t mind networking, that’s what we’re here for but I draw the line when it comes to being used by someone.
Pam is on the couch, “I don’t know what Connie’s problem is, telling all these lies about me to the Fashionistas. She must be jealous, I mean, that’s the only thing that drives women to talk trash is jealousy. There is nothing else.”
Well, that’s not true, women also trash talk about people they can’t stand. And I’m thinking Connie falls into that category. Along with most of America.
Next, at Woodhaven Country Club, Kalyn and Maddie are having lunch. Kalyn unloads a heavy burden on her 16 year old friend, “I think I’m pregnant.”
Maddie: Are you for sure?
Kalyn: I mean I’m showing all the symptoms but I don’t know for sure.
Maddie: So you haven’t taken a test? Why?
Isn’t it obvious, Maddie? If she took the test, episode 8 would just be a slow-mo montage of Heidi crushing people’s dreams of fitting in while she rummages through used clothes. But back to Maddie’s question about why Kalyn hasn’t taken a pregnancy test.
Kalyn: I kind of just want Tyler to be there.
To watch you pee?
Maddie: Let’s go take one now.
Kalyn: I kind of want to talk to Tyler first.
OMG! Why? So you can trick him into declaring love for you? I think we addressed this earlier when you left on a date and he didn’t care. But go ahead and have him run through all the scenarios, fearing the loss of his independence and the dread of being locked in a future of you being catty to his first wife during weekend exchanges of the child.
Just. Pee. On. The. Stick.
Told you so, Bonn. Whitney is breaking all HIPPA laws and researching her mom’s cosmetic surgery plans. And the receptionist, who was in the exam room for Bonnie’s consult with Dr. A for some reason, confirmed what she knew without checking for signed medical authorizations.
While the authorities bust that wide open, let’s check on Duarte. She and Hannah are in the dining room trying out oils for the fragrance line that they’ve named Reality. Oh, Hannah, let’s do something about the brows, K, Hon?
I can’t even choose between Kalyn’s whining and your bushy upper eye area.
OK, I pick Kalyn. She has purchased a pregnancy test but hasn’t actually used it because she wants to know, “Will Tyler be there for me?” She sits down next to Ty, he’s very focused on his computer screen.
Kalyn: I’m late.
Tyler: Late for what?
Kalyn: Like, I haven’t gotten my period yet.
Tyler: Do you think you’re pregnant?
No, Ty, I think she was trying to tell you she’s going through early menopause.
Kalyn: Well, yeah. I mean, I’ve been feeling nauseous lately. Are you even paying attention to me?
Tyler: What do you want me to say?
OK, so Kalyn, this is a really big indication that he’s not quite in love with you. Are you done? I don’t want to see you humiliated.
Tyler: Do you even know it’s mine or not?
Odd, Maddie mentioned the same thing. Maybe after you finally pee on the test stick you can work on this perception people have of your sex life, Kalyn. I’d start with opaque shirts that button.
Kalyn: What if I am, Ty?
Tyler: Obviously it’s not something I want to happen at this time but I’m prepared for it.
So he’s not interested and he’s clueless. Quick, run to Chad. After you take the pregnancy test.
Tyler: What should we do?
Kalyn: I guess all we can do is take the test and see what it says.
Great idea. Why didn’t we think of that?
Just as we all suspected, no baby. And that would have been the end of it if Kalyn hadn’t been flappin’ her lips.
Leslie is just finishing yoga and feeling very relaxed but as she’s leaving, she runs into Melissa and Pam. Melissa approaches.
Melissa: Would you like me to break the news that you might be a grandma soon?
Is it too late for Les to say no?
Apparently so. Leslie races home and confronts Tyler and Kalyn. You happy now, Kalyn?
They tell her the pregnancy test was negative. Leslie makes Ty leave and she gives Kalyn a warm and fuzzy lecture. Les refers to what Kalyn and Ty had as a “casual relationship” and encourages Kalyn to hold out for true love.
Kalyn reveals to viewers that she does have deep feelings for Tyler. She cries. And all the moms watching from home screamed at the television.
At Heidi’s house, the trunk show is underway and Fashionistas are sifting through the merchandise. Pamela is wearing Joseph’s Technicolor Dreamcoat and Dillon is interested in a fur that she says is, “Very well preserved.”
Ladies, there’s a difference between “vintage” and “used.” I encourage you all to find the line and not cross it, though I fear you already have. And Heidi, I don’t think you can comment on an item’s level of “preservation” unless it’s either 100 years old or it made it through Katrina in one piece.
Pam notices Leslie has been invited and asks Heidi, “What’s she doing here?” Pam, if you can hear me, remember this, Locken is not your friend. And that means I’m Team LeeAnne.
Pam can’t just have one issue. She needs to drift back and forth between the drama with Leslie and this new fight with Connie.
Connie: You’ve insulted a lot of people.
Pam: Because they deserved it.
You learned how to treat others in vacation bible school, didn’t you Duarte?
Dillon comes on the scene.
Heidi: Ladies, chill. No cat fights at my house, please.
Pamela must not have heard her because she shouts to Connie, “Take your cousin and get the ‘F’ out of here.”
Pamela, Pamela, Pamela. I say this with a great degree of certainty, Bonnie and Dena are not responsible for what’s being said about you.