Episode 9 of Style Network’s Big Rich Texas begins at Elbow Room where Whitney and Hannah have arrived via unauthorized jaunt in Jason’s car. Whit explains that her crime spree began when Jason took her car away.
By daybreak, Jason has discovered the vehicle is missing. Bonnie updates us from the couch, “Ever since Whitney found out I’m getting my nose done, she’s been acting really selfish.”
I don’t know, Bon, I wouldn’t call it selfish. I’m thinking childish, ballsy, entitled and borderline criminal.
Jason: I took her car away so she takes mine.
Bonnie: But you didn’t specifically take the other cars away from her.
Jason: You’re literally insane.
Not only that, but have you noticed you’re drinking coffee in rays of morning sun and Whit still isn’t home?
Oh, there she is, safe and sound in Duarte’s kitchen wearing last night’s clothes and a hangover updo, which is way better than those high-waisted jeans Pam is sportin’.
Next, Leslie drops by Connie’s used clothing boutique and tells her she wants to sponsor an event for Heidi and the Fashionistas. Les has a winning idea on her hands. She tells Conn it’s a mother/daughter duo that specializes in bedazzling things; they call themselves Bling is the New Black.
Leslie, the dance moms bedazzle stuff too and I take secret photos of their t-shirts at competitions and text them to my friends as part of an ongoing Most Ridiculous Mother Contest. But if you think it’s a good idea, we’re totally behind you.
Jason and Bonnie return home to find Whitney lounging on the couch. I’m not sure, but I think it’s one of those sofas with built-in cup holders. Bon is mad.
Bonnie: Why can’t you answer our phone calls?
Whitney: I got wasted.
Bonnie: Where have you been?
Whitney: At Hannah’s.
Bonnie: Why didn’t I get a call this morning?
Whitney: ‘Cause I just deal with you when I get home.
Remember folks; Whit is twenty-freaking-four-years-old.
Bonnie: If you’re going to live in my house, you’ll live by my rules.
Whitney: Your rules are stupid.
In my mind, I backhanded her clear across the room.
Bonnie: I want you out of my house by the end of the month. Pack your s*** and get out.
Then viewers across the nation rose to their feet like 2010 OSU fans at the A&M game with a 35/35 tie score and 2 seconds on the clock, mid-field goal. And. It’s. Good.
America chants, “Bonnie. Bonnie. Bonnie.”
Whitney: I don’t need a damn month.
Miss Independent speed dials Hannah and without so much as a commercial break, Whit is walking the Santa Monica coastline considering a permanent move.
Cut to the Royal Asscher Diamonds event. Heidi is wearing a tiara when Connie approaches to apologize for the smackdown she had with Duarte last week. Heidi grants forgiveness and Connie is allowed to keep her current position in society, whatever that is.
Next, Dillon and Pam are chatting when Leslie interrupts to pitch her bedazzler party to Heidi.
Pam is moanin’ on the couch: I’m just wondering how she got past security.
She probably snuck by while they were pattin’ you down, Duarte.
Heidi seems to be taking to Leslie’s idea so Pamela tries this, “I think it’s probably bulls***. If Leslie is bringin’ it in, there’s probably somethin’ that’s weird about it.”
Leslie: Well Lady Gaga doesn’t think it’s bulls***.
Yeah, Duarte. Lady Gaga.
Pamela tells Heidi: Anyone who is doing business with Lady Gaga isn’t doing business with Leslie.
Pam, I speak for Lady Gaga and her 22.9 million Twitter followers- Shut up.
Next, Leslie meets LeeAnne at Woodhaven Country Club to show her some pics in hopes of selling her on the bling event. Locken gets one glimpse of the bejeweled underwear and rhinestone clad ipad cases and she’s not only supportive, she’s co-chairing. And that’s even after she had to drive to Fort Worth for the meeting. Les, if you’d scheduled this thing in Dallas, she’d have brought you your very own Bedazzler.
Now that Whit has moved out of Bon’s house and is feeling all grown up. She schedules a boob job consult with Dr. Linder in California. Hannah asks how Whit is planning to pay, and like all 24 year-old girls forging a path of independence, she’s going to charge it to mom’s credit card.
The consult is underway and we get to know Whitney a little too well. She’s 4’11, 100 pounds and is currently a 32D. That already seems an aerodynamic impossibility so, sans a rocket science degree, I’m thinking any increases will land her in a wheelchair.
Dr. Linder recommends a “full D” but Whitney wants to know if there’s such a thing as a triple D. Doc has been around the block and says, “I want them to look beautiful for many years ahead.” In other words, these things are going to sag one day and you’ll look like a troll.
Back in Dallas, Bonnie is about to go under the knife. She’s feeling empty without the constant disrespect and sheds a tear for Whit. Jason comforts her.
Jason, man, why are you in scrubs? She’s getting a new nose, not having a baby.
Across town Pam and Melissa meet for dinner.
Pam: What’s wrong with our friends?
Mel: I think our entire friend group has gone coo-coo.
Ladies, these women are not your friends. They hate you. And you hate them.
With that fresh on their minds, Pam invites Melissa to Leslie’s bling event as part of their evil plot to bring Les down.
In Santa Monica, Hannah gets a Skype from Pamela. Pam has heard that Whitney is staying with Hannah and wants her to leave.
Hannah: I’m not going to ask her to leave.
Pam: You are.
Hannah: I’m not. I’m not kicking my friend to the curb.
And Hannah slings her laptop shut, bringing Pam’s raspy rant to a refreshing end.
Bon is recovering at home and though she’s in a great deal of pain, she takes a call from Pamela.
Pam: Whitney has been on Hannah’s couch for quite a few days and I’m calling to see what you’re gonna do about it.
Bonnie: In California?
Pam: What the Hell is wrong with you? Are you drunk?
Jason takes the phone.
Pam: What’s wrong with Bonnie?
Jason: She had a rhinoplasty.
Pam: Okaaaay. While her daughter is out gallivanting around the country and she doesn’t even know where she’s at.
Pam, we often overlook your matronly wardrobe, your gum smackin’, trash talkin’, scene startin’, lawsuit filin’ classless behavior. But when you finish a sentence with “at” you inadvertently expose the past you so desperately seek to bury. You’re grammatically naked, and we’re horrified.
Pam, where’s Leslie at?
EWWWWW. I got chills just typing it.
She’s AT the Bling is the New Black party drinking out of bedazzled champagne flutes.
Pam shows up just as Leslie is explaining that you can even have your body bedazzled. Maybe they can jam rhinestones down Duarte’s throat and pretty up her insides.
Pam: Even with all this high-end stuff at this party, for some reason when Leslie is involved, it just cheapens it.
First of all, I see nothing high-end at this party and, second, don’t talk about cheap until you’ve stopped abusing prepositions.
Next, Connie asks the man with a Birkin if she can borrow Pam for a moment. Connie apologizes for what went down at Heidi’s house last week. Instead of a reciprocal apology, Pam just accepts.
Heidi loves the event and feels good about the showcased designer but she tells Pam that she can’t get past Leslie’s dress.
Pam: I don’t want to look at what she’s wearing because she always looks like a tacky whore.
And just in case Pam hasn’t clearly expressed the full extent to which she is projecting her own issues on Leslie, she tells Heidi, “I have a huge problem with her because she’s a liar and a fraud.” And on the off-chance Heidi still didn’t get it, Pamela stands behind Les and makes the universal crazy sign with her tongue sticking out. For real.
Then Duarte adds to the end of Leslie’s address to the crowd, “And go to Hell.”
Pam is on the couch: Leslie is certifiable.
WHO is certifiable? I only saw one chick with her tongue hanging out while she made circular motions around her ear like a 6 year-old.
Pam is exhausted from all this childish behavior so Melissa steps in. She’s introduced to LeeAnne and within seconds Mel is spewing about how she can’t trust Leslie because Les sent her on some “bogus” modeling go-sees. And therefore, Mel says, “She’s a fraud.”
Locken didn’t say, “OMG, then I totally hate Leslie.” So Mel calls Duarte over, “I’m tryin’ to explain to LeeAnne that Leslie is an effin’ fraud.”
Pam: She just follows me around trying to infiltrate my peeps. And then she comes here and suckers you into her liar world.
LeeAnne is classy and stands behind Leslie and the event. Pam hates classy and tells LeeAnne, “I think you need to get your facts straight before you start supporting someone that you really don’t know anything about.”
Les: You don’t know anything about me.
Pam: I could ruin you right now.
Les: Then do it.
Pam: No, I don’t feel like it. And I don’t stoop to your f***in’ level.
Pam, you sat by yourself at the lunch table in middle school and this is payback, right?
Heidi intervenes and shuts everyone up. By “everyone” I mean Pam.
Next, Duarte shows up at Hannah’s place in Santa Monica. But before anything goes down, we get previews of next week’s season finale when it seems Bonnie runs around in a cocktail dress with full facial gauze, and Pam is still thinking this show is good for her image.